dear god what is happening?

For my second post I was going to write about something cute my 14-year-old said to me because she realizes I am an “older” mother. I actually am…I turned 40 and birthed her 2 days later. But NO! Fuck that and let’s talk aging vaginas.

After my first post, my BOMB sister-in-law reminded me that there’s an entire petri dish of shenanigans going on down there…here are our texts…she’s first, I’m second…

“Seriously dude! What the hell. You’re not quite pushing 60 yet but hate to give you the disturbing news but as we ladies age the VAGINA really, really looks kind of sagged, bad and sad!

” Bro! Between me and you and our vag-bags, it’s dry up in this piece! The vagine is not yet hanging like bologna in a meat shop, but she’s definitely looking like she’s given up and would prefer to be in sensible, full-coverage underpants for the rest of her natural born life. She’s no longer interested in being paraded around all LALALA. She knows she’s puckered and dry. She has truly become the NO NO ZONE…. She’s embarrassed.”

Now, I’m not experiencing the meat curtains yet, but I get it and also know they’re lurking around the corner for me about to choke me out and make me scream UNCLE! But ladies! Who cares?! South of my body border I don’t give two craps how all of my gear is conspiring to embarrass me. I am married to a man who I can say “meat curtains” in front of and not only does he get it, it doesn’t phase him. But also, one time I did refer to another lady driver as “cunty” when she didn’t gracefully accept my pantomime apology for my faux-pas and he didn’t love it. Told me it was “too much”. My point? He def has his limits in his Danna-toleration. Anyway, your beaver is your biz girls. Saggy, fat and swollen like a tick the 4th of July, shriveled and emitting a cry for a drop of moisture? Love ’em all. And make no shitting apology for nature taking a hold. You’re still sexy as fuck. xoxo…